Christmas wish lists are usually a kid’s thing, but since we’re talking about fictional, completely fictional characters here, why not?
Have you ever wondered what your favorite TV character would like for Christmas?
For some, this isn’t hard to imagine. Others are a little trickier.
After all, no one thought Cersei Lannister would aspire to have a plant-gem garden in a box unless it came with seeds from water hemlock or deadly nightshade.
Regardless, it’s a fun thought experiment throughout the holidays when everyone is going crazy over Walmart parking spots and fighting in the “return” lines.
M134 Minigun – Joffrey Baratheon – Game of Thrones
I know what you’re all thinking: If Joffrey Baratheon had something better than a crossbow and a “sweet, caring” personality, he’d win Game of Thrones.
If anything, the last two seasons have been a lot more interesting than the garbage-fest that David Benioff and DB Weiss have been.
Joffrey is a deeply misunderstood character whose manic sadistic and narcissistic tendencies are nothing a good high school counselor can’t fix in the modern era. Add in a minigun and he becomes the penultimate redemption arc.
If you need a refresher on this particular minigun, Predator and Terminator 2 are both great examples of the devastating firepower this little pup can unleash.
Now, imagine a smiling Joffrey Baratheon with such raw power in his hands. Who needs dragons when you can turn the Black Terror into an oozing, twitching sponge at 4,000 rounds per minute?
All Joffrey needs is a chance to show everyone what a just, fair and merciful king he can be, and with a minigun on his Christmas wish list, that goal can be achieved.
Unfortunately, those in power believe otherwise. What we see is a purple-faced, suffocated Joffrey, not a demonic loon standing behind an M134. Oh well.
Watch Game of Thrones Online
Jamie Fraser Inflatable Doll – “Black” Jack Randall – Outlander
Blackjack Randall is the Ramsay Bolton that Ramsay Bolton should have been – a more believable sadist who eats, sleeps and breathes the pain of others.
Randall’s only flaw is his all-out obsession with Jamie Fraser, who unknowingly draws out Randall’s underlying homosexuality and hatred.
Jamie shows his best and worst in Outlander, with “best” being an inhuman desire to dismember every aspect of Jamie’s existence just to look at the man Wriggling in the cold pain of loss.
But even the likes of Blackjack can get into the spirit of the season, and nothing satisfies Randall’s obsessive desire for Jamie Fraser like an eponymous blow-up doll.
Of course, some of the evil glee that Randall engages in might discourage the poor doll, so he has to change some of his more violent and extreme ways.
However, Randall is versatile with his demonic tendencies, and I’m sure he’ll find an enjoyable role for the Jamie blow-up doll among its everyday needs.
Watch Outlander online
A Ton of Xanax – Carmy – Bear
There are few people in the world who need to calm down more than Kami of “The Bear” fame. Granted, Cami’s entire family suffers from some degree of psychological neurasthenia.
He also doesn’t have the most mentally healthy people around him. Sydney is probably the calmest of the bunch (maybe Marcus), but she has her moments.
As a psychological comedy, Bear and Cami’s characters may cause more stress to people in the real world than their work and home lives.
When he’s not a living example of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), he’s dealing with self-inflicted perfectionism, repetitive neurosis, or general anxiety. This guy just needs a truckload of Xanax on his Christmas wish list, but in a bad way.
It may take a lot to calm him down enough to get through the day without projecting his breakdown onto those around him.
At least he had a single goal: to get the restaurant up and running and make it a forever successful fine dining business.
Now, if he had calmed down for five minutes, he might not have gone into cardiac arrest before he was 35 years old.
Watch “The Bear” online
Udemy 21-Day Charisma Improvement Course – Geralt of Rivia – The Wizard
Poor Geralt. The Witcher starts out promisingly, starring Henry Cavill. But alas, this too shall pass. Season 2 showed signs of that, but season 3 really went downhill.
In a way, The Witcher became a show about everyone but The Witcher. Now that the lead character isn’t much of a protagonist anymore, Netflix went out and found a replacement actor with the charisma and personality.
Liam Hemsworth is the less famous Hemsworth brother, and for good reason. When you need more narration in your B-movies, you call him. His Christmas wish list is often ignored in favor of hand-me-downs, clothes and gifts that Chris Hemsworth doesn’t want.
Watching him in The Hunger Games makes you want to slam your face into a hard, immovable object. He would have done well in The Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill, but sadly nepotism is rife in Hollywood.
Imagine replacing every character played by Henry Cavill with Liam Hemsworth. Yes, it’s that bad.
On Geralt’s Christmas wish list this year is a course to boost his charisma and personality in order to get The Witcher off to a good start in its fifth season.
Watch The Witcher Online
Control of the Milk Stork – Homelander – The Boys
For an ambitious tyrant who wants to rule the world, Homelander sure loves breast milk.
But why would Madeleine Stillwell risk her life when a Homelander could simply add a milk stork to his Christmas wish list, or a firecracker (her nursing stand-in)? What about danger?
Milk Stork advertises itself as “breastmilk MILF shipping for moms and employers.” Well, Homelander isn’t really a mom, but he’s pretty happy with Firecracker taking on the role on The Boys .
Firecracker goes the extra mile by taking drugs to force her body into lactation mode, and, besides her unhealthy obsession with everything about her homeland, she doesn’t need to.
Since its inception, Milk Stork has successfully shipped more than 11 million ounces of breast milk. Homelander is now available in unlimited quantities, boosting Milk Stork sales and improving employment and delivery in the process.
It’s all about the economy and the folks back home’s insatiable hellish desire for Double Comfort Melon products. Firecracker may be an obsessive fan, but there’s no way her calcium cannon can keep up with the greed for breast milk of a fool like Homelander.
Watch The Boys Online
Norman Baez’s Mother’s Advice-Oswald Copot-Penguin
Oz has a thriving empire to build, a confused assistant to mentor, and a host of powerful families and gangs to deal with. The last thing he needs is a Christmas wish list, unless it has a neat wad of $100 bills on it.
Sure, his overtly sexual relationship with his mother was bizarre, and throughout the season he had endless trouble dealing with her mental humiliation.
What better expert to turn to than the infamous Norman Bates?
Norman Bates has found a way to truly connect with his mother, and there’s no one better for Oz. Granted, Bates’ mother is basically beef jerky and dust on an old chair, but she’s still able to hang around him and dominate his life forever.
Oz may believe that his whole life is dedicated to meeting her wild and insane expectations, but if she stays at room temperature and pushes up daisies in Gotham Cemetery, he’ll never know if he succeeds.
Salting and dehydrating takes time and preparation, and Oz can take advantage of Bates’s advice and his methods. The sooner this process begins, the sooner Ozzy can expand his “worth” timeline in Penguin.
Watch penguins online
Doberman Pinscher Puppy – Ghoul – Radiation
Georgia Dow has published a therapist analysis of the ghoul and his dog, affectionately known as “Dogmeat.” Apparently, Dogmeat, a Belgian Malinois, is a service dog for Ghoul, reminding him of his humanity and perhaps his previous dog (from his human life) Roosevelt.
The problem lies here. Roosevelt is a blue merle border collie and Dogmeat is a Belgian Malinois. yawn. The Ghoul is a violent survivor in Fallout who cares very, very little about the lives and well-being of those around him.
In his mid-200s, he does a decent job of keeping his head on his shoulders and his feet forward. For this lifestyle, a Belgian Malinois is like taking a Chihuahua into a knife fight with a hundred opponents.
The Belgian Malinois was bred for herding and hard work. They have endurance and agility, but Dobermans are bred for aggression, defense, and warfare. In fact, the Quantico Marine Corps Base has a shrine to Doberman veterans.
They don’t build battle shrines for border collies and Belgian malinois. A Doberman Pinscher should be on a ghoul’s Christmas wish list. Maybe then he wouldn’t need to stab the thing again and heal it.
Watch Fallout online
Have you ever wondered what your favorite unhinged character might ask for at Christmas?
Leave us a comment below and let us know if the gifts listed above hit the mark, or if we missed the mark entirely!
