What do you mean TV insults are not the reason for this season? Family gatherings throughout the holidays aren’t always a bastion of constructive thought and civilized conversation!
Well, maybe they work for some people. But where’s the fun in it? If you’re anything like me, your family is relatively dysfunctional, with as many insults as compliments.
In this case, it pays to be vigilant and vigilant.
While the purpose of this list is to protect yourself from domestic attacks, it is not intended to make enemies. Okay, maybe the in-laws, but that’s how cookies often break.
Try to avoid causing a huge rift in the family by telling an inappropriate Family Guy joke in front of grandma.
Of course, some of the best insults come from the nastiest shows and characters.
If you’ve watched any TV shows in the past 20 years or so, you know what happens next!
Successor – Roman Roy
“I think what he meant was that he wanted Mom to have a can opener because at least it would be useful.”
There is always a useless person in the family. You know, that person who doesn’t call, text, or otherwise talk to anyone at home for an entire year, but yet always shows up to get free food?
They’ll go into the liquor cabinet, grab your bottle of The Glenlivet 18 Year Old, and start taking pictures like they’re in the local backwoods. Inheritance provides the blueprint for dealing with these people.
The best part about this insult is that you don’t have to wait for a specific time and place, especially for lazy people. What’s the worst that could happen? Won’t they show up next year? Yes, right.
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Married with Children – Al Bundy
“Yeah, it’s more expensive than the condom I used the night you got pregnant.”
Children are an absolute pain. If you don’t believe this, watch five minutes of TikTok and you’ll see that people halfway around the world agree.
Parenthood was the only viable alternative to communism, but the payoff was having to deal with these wildly inefficient, starving overindulgences.
They get a free roof, free TV, free heating in the winter and air conditioning in the summer, free food and free rooms, just to name a few. How do they earn it? Eaten you away from home and complain when they do.
Not much changes when the holidays come and they consume even more. Hopefully they will bring you grandchildren that you can pamper endlessly and send them home. Bah, that’s a lie.
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Vice President—Selena Meyer
“Wow. Don’t give me a Quaker nipple bar look.
There are always new faces at family gatherings, whether it’s a distant cousin with his ex and current girlfriend, or a friend of a friend who has nowhere else to go.
At some point, they attend a ton of typical house parties, usually somewhere in the black sheep corner. This is the time to use this little bit of wisdom.
Nothing can disappoint the poor newcomer more than a double whammy. Restoration was simple: the bottle of 18-year-old Scotch whiskey in the liquor cabinet.
Veep’s Selina Meyer may be the epitome of mediocrity at times, but he also has some great quips.
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Arrested Development – Lucille
“Take it back! If I want your thumb to touch anything, I’ll eat the inside of your ear!”
There’s nothing in the world more disgusting than one’s unwashed hands, especially before eating Thanksgiving dinner.
Uncle Joe’s teeth are a bit too long and he may have accidentally gotten into a bit of a number bind while wiping them.
Although we don’t know where the child’s hands are, it’s almost certain that he picked his nose and scratched his butt.
Please remind them to wash their hands first, then ignore the utensils and pick up the slices of ham with fingers covered in billions of bacteria and viruses
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Downton Abbey – Violet Crawley and Sir Richard Carlyle
“I’m leaving in the morning, Mrs. Grantham. I doubt we’ll see each other again.
“Do you agree?”
For the Countess of Grantham, the concept of “not caring” disappeared long ago. Most people recognize Maggie Smith from the Harry Potter series, but her role as the penultimate matriarch of an aristocratic family was far more interesting.
She’s the great-grandmother that adults wish they’d asked more as children – the real message and history hidden beneath the layers of swift retorts and perverse insults.
When it comes to TV insults, Violet isn’t the vulgar type. She doesn’t need this. Her carefully planned jibes are more subtle and pointed, like a master showing off her skills.
I sensed that the late Lady Maggie had much in common with the Countess of Grantham in the wit and composure with which Violet always chided.
Watch Downton Abbey online
house — house
“Don’t worry, this is treatable. But as a bitch…there’s nothing we can do about it.
“House” epitomizes the comeback of television indignity and savagery. This guy just doesn’t know how to act any other way. Of course, this is also an important reason why the “House” series is so popular.
If you have to get down to the level of your family dialect, it’s probably not a Happy Thanksgiving or a Merry Christmas.
However, if you look closely, you’ll notice a few dialogues here and there that aren’t so cruel that they’d get you kicked out of a house party.
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Archer – Mallorian Archer
“If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I would put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toe.”
Mallory is the personification of vain and hilarious comebacks, even if many of them are bone-breaking.
She was also the last person on earth to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner. But if you’re used to large family gatherings, there’s probably a Malory there.
As far as insults go on TV, Archer’s Mallory can be downright offensive. However, her kinky, retrograde aphorisms are perfect for fending off the most brutal roasts.
Watch The Archer online
Family Guy — Stewie
“May everyone who laughs at your sophomore effort be reminded of your eternal mediocrity and cut like a knife through your heart.”
Nothing embodies the insult of television more than Family Guy. If you need to dig deep for witty gimmicks to find the most abhorrent slurs possible, Stewie Griffin is a treasure trove of all things vile.
Stewie combines Peter’s ruthless disregard for social morality with an extremely brilliant mind. When all bets are off, watch Family Guy and generic insults descend into chaos.
In fact, Family Guy is so filled with insults of all kinds that you probably don’t need to look elsewhere to find your inner wisdom and appropriately deal with unsympathetic family members. happy holidays!
Do me a favor and let me know in the comments what your favorite TV insults and comebacks are!
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